What Successful Negotiators Do Differently: A Woman's Guide

As women, we often face a unique challenge when it comes to negotiation: a higher risk of backlash. We've all been there – stressing for weeks about asking for something important, only to fear the potential negative reaction. What if I told you there's a better, more authentic way to negotiate, designed especially for women?

I learned this the hard way ten years ago as an MBA intern. I was excelling in my internship and thought I had a foolproof plan to secure a job offer. I believed that if twice as many people vouched for me, I'd get the role. I meticulously prepared all weekend, ready to negotiate just like the experts advised. By 10:05 AM, my negotiation was over, and by 10:10 AM, I knew I wasn't getting the job. As an added bonus, per company protocol, my things were packed and deposited on the sidewalk. My head was spinning, wondering what had just happened.

The Hidden Impact of Gender in Negotiation

My experience highlights a secret impact gender has on negotiations. Why does this happen? Research by Linda Babcock out of Carnegie Mellon reveals that when we use a specific formula, we are much more likely to be successful while mitigating the risk of backlash. This means you can feel empowered to ask for whatever it is you want without the usual fear.

The Four-Part Negotiation Formula

After extensive research and working with hundreds of women, a clear formula emerged for asking for what you want effectively. It's simple yet powerful:

Past performance + Future vision + The ask + Collaborative question

This formula has been successfully used over the past five years by women to get promoted, make more money, and craft careers they love. The core idea is to connect your ask to a future vision and then invite collaboration, rather than making a demand or negotiating against yourself.

Breaking Down the Formula

• The ask: This is simply what you want.
• Future vision: Connect your ask to how it benefits the team, project, or company going forward.
• Collaborative question: This invites the other party into the solution, making it a shared problem to solve rather than a confrontation.

We often negotiate against ourselves to avoid making others uncomfortable. This leads to hedging our asks or preemptively lowering our expectations. Don't fall into that trap.

Example 1: Negotiating a Promotion

Instead of saying something hesitant like:

"Hmm, I deserve to be promoted."

Frame your request using the formula:

"Over the past three years, I've had great results. I think I can do it again this year, but in order to do that, I'm going to need to be promoted. What do you think?"

This clearly states your value (past performance), your ambition (future vision tied to the ask), and opens a dialogue (collaborative question).

Example 2: Negotiating for Flexible Work Hours

Instead of a blunt request like:

"I want to work less."

Utilize the formula to explain the why and invite collaboration:

"I'm working on this really important project, and it's getting great results. But in order to do that, I'm going to need some focused time, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work?"

Here, you're highlighting your contribution (past performance/current project), explaining the need (future vision for project success), and proposing a collaborative solution.

Why This Matters Now

Some might suggest we can wait for gender parity to solve these issues. However, estimates suggest it will take 191 years for true gender equality. We, as women, need tools to be successful now.

For a long time, I thought success meant gobbling up huge amounts of information and focusing solely on what my boss, team, or kids needed. But we only get this one life. It's not about your boss, your family, your friends, or your colleagues – it's about you.

Actionable Takeaways

• Ditch the bad advice: Stop listening to advice that tells you to shrink your asks or fear the repercussions.
• Embrace the formula: Implement the "Past performance + Future vision + The ask + Collaborative question" in your negotiations.
• Negotiate for yourself: Use these tools to negotiate a life you truly love, one that aligns with your needs and aspirations.